Are my boundaries clear?
Are my boundaries creating havoc in my physical life, emotional life and/or spiritual life?
How are my boundaries affecting my children?
It seems that my feelings are hurt more now than they have ever been. I feel that I am tearing apart on the inside first and then the outside is coming soon. I find that the outside part is my physical life and my insides are my emotional and spiritual life.
I am experiencing all three parts right now as I cope with a pretty good attitude a medical issue that is still up in the air as to what it "officially" could be. All arrows point to an obvious diagnosis but we have to wait up on the Lord and the doctors.
Having an unhealthy boundary that brings you down at every chance due to their lack of "having a life" is hard. Having "know it all" boundaries are hard to deal with as well.
I am trying not to be needy and look like I am put together really well but its not working for me right now and in the now I am having outward emotions. I know the children have seen some of it as it comes out in my moods. And sometimes my moods are dictated by my blood sugars. When my blood sugars are high it is usually due to stress or stressful situations.
I found this quote and it totally applies to me but I just don't know where to start:
“You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough that you have to.” ~Unknown
Learning to set healthy boundaries can feel uncomfortable, even scary, because it may go against the grain of the survival skills we learned in childhood - particularly if our caretakers were physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive. For example, we may have learned to repress our anger or other painful emotions because we would have been attacked and blamed for expressing the very pain the abuse had caused. Thus, attempting to set healthy boundaries as an adult may initially be accompanied by anxiety, but we must learn to work through these conditioned fears, or we will never have healthy relationships. But this process of growth takes time, and our motto should always be, "Progress not perfection."
Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries, modified from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne Katherine:
- When you identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, preferably without anger, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for, or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Do not argue! Just set the boundary calmly, firmly, clearly, and respectfully.
- You can’t set a boundary and take care of someone else’s feelings at the same time. You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner. If others get upset with you, that is their problem. If they no longer want your friendship, then you are probably better off without them. You do not need "friends" who disrespect your boundaries.
- At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway, and tell yourself you have a right to take care of yourself. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don't let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
- When you feel anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, then determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will have less need to put up walls.
- When you set boundaries, you might be tested, especially by those accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you. Plan on it, expect it, but be firm. Remember, your behavior must match the boundaries you are setting. You can not establish a clear boundary successfully if you send a mixed message by apologizing for doing so. Be firm, clear, and respectful.
- Most people are willing to respect your boundaries, but some are not. Be prepared to be firm about your boundaries when they are not being respected. If necessary, put up a wall by ending the relationship. In extreme cases, you might have to involve the police or judicial system by sending a no-contact letter or obtaining a restraining order.
- Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. You will set boundaries when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you. Let your counselor or support group help you with pace and process.
- Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life - those who want to manipulate you, abuse you, and control you.
- Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what an exciting journey that is.My highlighted area is where I am right now. Please pray for me as a hard transition is in the horizon.Lord I ask you to be with me during this trial and tribulation. I ask that you provide the comfort that I am so much need of. I need to find your love and guidance as I embark on this emotional journey. I pray for peace on both sides of the fence and for understanding and as little of a transition as possible. In Jesus Name, Amen.How's that? My first online prayer. Not great but not too bad either. God knows what is in my heart each time my heart gets broken. Only He knows my desires and my needs.I thank my friends who are true friends. That they have taught me what true friendship is through this season in my life.